Posted in General Posts by Cristianna Smith on 5/10/2012
pole sana* for not writing sooner. i'm horrendous at keeping people updated and informed and that includes blogging. God told me to blog during my last trip** and even then i failed semi-miserably. this time i don't exactly have a direct word from Him to write, however, the life that He's called me to requires more exposure than normal. this tangibly translates into blogging for you, dear reader. my apologies.
anywho, i was running one day along the railroad tracks that are carved into the side of the mountain that i live on and i heard these words, via bill johnson, speak to more than just my physical body...
"if you want peace that passes understanding, you have to give up your right to understand. you have to lay down the demand to understand."
why? because it's the peace that surpasses all understanding***.
oh. that makes a heck of a lot of sense, especially here in kenya where nothing seems to makes sense. there are so many moments where i'm rendered clueless and faced with choosing all of the fruits of the Spirit. honestly, i haven't been choosing very wisely and as a result, i'm often bogged down, restless, peaceless, joyless, lifeless...
i understand giving up the right to understand because here i've been forced to give that up, shake my head and throw up my hands in pretty much every situation. nothing goes as planned here. if it's not the culture, it's the spirit of religion and deception. if it's not that then it's nature manifesting in landslides, massive cracks in the earth, and flash flooding. (fyi: it's rainy season here. see picture below.)
i didn't realize how much i like to understand what's going on until it's almost impossible to understand anything. i don't understand why a mother in our camp left her children to fend for themselves for two weeks so she could visit her parents in another city. i don't understand why the plans that God has planted in our hearts still haven't happened...yet. i don't understand why we have to have a 'give us this day our daily bread' mentality every single moment in order to make it through the day without pulling our hair out. i don't understand how that much water can come out of the sky and yet nothing comes out of our faucets for days. i don't understand why it is so hard to choose Joy here.
as you can probably tell, i have the lack of understanding part down pat. i'm still in the process of manifesting the Peace consistently. it's a fight to the death with Peace and frustration yet in the midst of it all i still don't understand. i might as well fight for Peace so that i can have a smile on my face and Joy in my heart as i continue live in the land of murphy's law****.
much Love.
*direct translation is "i'm sorry very much"
**www.ohafricahowilovethee.wordpress.com
***philippians 4:7
****murphy's law states that if anything can go wrong, it will.
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Posted in General Posts by Cristianna Smith on 3/8/2012
i’m sitting here on one of our couches, where i almost always spend my morning time with my YWHW*. i whip out my iphone to begin reading the Bible in a version that i don’t physically have on hand, and it hits me.
this is so unromantic.
i’m a book kinda girl. i grew up going to the library with my mom and coming home with stacks of books to read. (thanks mom for always letting me check out as many books as i wanted even though i would’ve had to have been superhuman to read them all.) even recently, my dad said to me, “hey boots. remember when you used to carry around all those books as a kid? when did you stop doing that?” I plopped my bag on the counter and whipped out three books. he just smiled and laughed.
there’s something romantic to me about opening up a book and becoming acquainted with it. the smell of it**. the touch of it. being able to write scribbles in the margins, highlighting sentences that might mean something later, and even dog earring the pages. i love cracking the spine of new paperback books or reading the comments from previous owners of used books.
yet here i am, with a mini computer in my mini hands and i have a million pounds (perhaps?) worth of the Bible on it. ONE book! unreal. it’s a weird tension to be living in but then again, my whole life is a weird tension to be living in…
we went as a team to nairobi yesterday to run some errands. we drove all over and ended up passing by one of the biggest slums and one of the best restaurants in all of kenya…and they were right across the street from each other. people starving on one side of the street and others enjoying an all you can eat meat buffet on the other side. tension.
we went to one of the nicest malls and were able to enjoy frozen yogurt and pizza. yet the people who have our hearts struggle to feed their children, the same ones that we hold day in and day out. tension.
we live across the street from a school for missionary kids in what is referred to as ‘little america’. part of me can’t stand the place because it’s so comfortable and so first world. but the other part of me enjoys the pieces of home that i get to delight in because of it: the basketball court, the racquetball court, the unbelievably delicious dinner rolls and salad that i won’t get food poisoning from. tension.
i’m starting to wonder if tension is what was birthed out of the fall in the garden. eve and adam were able to enjoy the presence of the Lord at all times without any boundaries or worries. yet, they ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and all hell broke loose. literally. what was the first thing that happened? they noticed they were naked and felt embarrassed. tension. what happens when good confronts evil? tension.
and it never goes away. ever. so i don’t have a choice as to whether or not i want to live in the tension but i have a choice as to what to do with the tension. the Kingdom of Heaven lives within me and it creates tension everywhere i go, especially in the face of evil. and there’s a lot of evil here, dear reader. my flesh wants to cower and run away but my Spirit takes up its offensive stance and charges. and Good prevails. always. it might not look like what i want it to, but it doesn’t keep me from engaging the tension, from pushing it back and bringing Kingdom tension in its place.
much Love.
* one morn, God told me to call Him YWHW because we’re tight like that.
**old books smell the best.
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Posted in General Posts by Cristianna Smith on 2/15/2012
i've been tossing and turning for the past two hours (it's 4 am here in kenya) and i felt inspired to tackle my significant list of blogs that i subscribe to*. i dominated about thirty and, trying to ride the coattails of my new found task orientedness, began writing this blog (on my free iphone so as not to wake my girls sleeping next to me**). it's been a month past our original departure date and you might be wondering why our team was held up. long story short, we as a team needed to come to a place of health, both individually and corporately. we stayed back and did some intense and much needed team building, soul searching and training. we even got dropped in the middle of the north georgia woods for wilderness boot camp 101...during winter. needless to say, it was quite the experience as my first ever backpacking and camping trip!
during one of the trainings, we had to undergo a slew of personality and trait tests. i'm not one to hold a lot of weight in those things but patterns emerged that i couldn't overlook, explanations for why i do what i do. plus, there were characteristics that i always thought were true of me that actually weren't. for example, i'm not the best at details. i'm not a good multitasker. i'm not the best listener (naturally) but i can talk your face off (also naturally). i'm completely content with doing surface level with the majority of people because it takes a lot out of me to go deep. it's intriguing revelations and i'm still chewing it all but i've learned some pretty hefty lessons, the biggest of which is this: i am uniquely made.
sounds simple but do you know what that means? all God wants of me is to recognize and grow in my uniqueness because that is how i'm going to be used to my utmost potential and for His utmost glory. i don't have to be anyone or anything else. in fact, it takes away from not only my purpose but from His body. if i'm not operating in how He's fashioned me to operate, then it means i'm operating in someone else's role. that's neither acceptable nor beneficial because the end result is disunity amongst the Church and, frankly, we have enough of that.
as easy as it sounds, it can prove difficult in just being me. there are so many people who take it upon themselves to speak into who i am that sometimes it's just easier to believe them and go for it. i'm surrounded by so many allstars that i just kinda want to be them or at least somewhat like them. but at the end of the day, who does He say i am? well, He's been telling me a lot of things in that department and they all have something in common: they're stretching me from the comfortable to the uncomfortable. yet when i start to walk these things out i realize that the uncomfortable really isn't all that uncomfortable. in fact, it's just indicative of how "un-me" i really am. i begin to experience freedom and new heights in my journey with the Lord. plus, it takes the pressure off of being someone i'm not and keeps me at a constant place of striving to operate out of the Spirit rather than out of the flesh.
so how can i best contribute to this team and to the people of kenya? i just have to be Myself!
much Love.
*if you'd like me to subscribe to yours, i probably will:) just leave a comment with your blog link or a blog that you thoroghly enjoy. i'm in the neighborhood for new blogs to read!
**weird that i have better technology here in kenya than in the states...go figure.
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Posted in General Posts by Cristianna Smith on 11/25/2011
i've been in my hometown of las cruces, new mexico for the past couple of days for the giving of thanks as well as the raising of support. this place has always been a place of rest for me, and a huge part of me didn't want to hop on the plane over here, but not because i didn't need rest. it's the exact opposite, actually: i've been in such need of rest that i didn't know what it felt or looked like anymore. it burdened me knowing that i was coming to my place of rest in a season where i needed it the most and that i wouldn't be able to. i was coming to my haven of refuge to work: to work from home (literally), to raise massive amounts of support in a very short time, to love on others from a place that seems to have been running off of reserves for the past couple of months...
i hit the ground running, nay, sprinting while i filled my limited time meeting up with people that i love deeply. it started off beautifully, with an early morning hike up a mountain to catch a sunrise with my best friend.
through huffing and puffing while we ascended the mountain, we shared our hearts and lives that we've missed out over the past couple of months. once we reached the top, we perched ourselves on a rock wall waiting for the sun to poke its head out of the peaks and talked about some hard things we've recently walked through; the conversation somehow found it's way to a place of asking each other for forgiveness and reconciling pieces of ourselves to each other. we walked down the mountain in different spiritual places than when we walked up and i couldn't help but hope that this was a transition, a shift i've been waiting for.
on paper, my first full day home was filled to the brim: i went to two churches, spoke with numerous people, shared meals with others and was met with an incredible amount of warmth and love. it seemed supernatural how people would come up to me and seek me out, releasing Love and affirmation into my Spirit about how excited they were about this upcoming season of moving to kenya in january. i was being sought out, not the other way around. everywhere i turned, people wanted to know more and encouraged me. it blew my mind and instead of being overwhelmed, i went to bed that night with a sensation that i haven't felt in far too long: i felt rested.
i'm sleeping way less, i'm talking way more, i'm drinking decaf* coffee, i'm scheduling my days full with coffee/breakfast/lunch/dinner/picnic/skype/phone dates, i'm speeding up not slowing down. i'm coming from a season in the desert, dehydrated and dazed, to running a marathon and i'm making record time! He's not only given me the energy to pour out, my Spirit is actually being rejuvenated and nursed back to its restful state!
i came into this trip home with a mentality of hoping people would open their wallets** and instead people are opening so much more than that: they're opening their homes, their arms, and their lives and sweetly inviting me into them. i get to sit across from people and not pitch a sales idea, but instead get to share my passion of how God is moving in my life. i get unique opportunities to speak Life into dry places. i don't see hands reaching into their purses or pockets for wallets. i see something even better. i see this flicker of fire ignite in the Spirits sitting across from me. i see this eagerness to seek something more. i see tears forming in the corners of eyes staring back at me in amazement: not at what i do but at who He is. and they walk away wanting more of Him. i would take that over a check any day.
dear reader, i came here to raise support and awareness and God turned it around on me: He raised the awareness in me of how much i am supported. by people i haven't seen in years. by family and childhood friends. by anonymous donors. but most of all, by His Spirit alive in me.
much Love.
*by choice!!! this is miracle status, people!
**so shallow but so true.
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Posted in General Posts by Cristianna Smith on 11/19/2011
in case you haven’t noticed, i haven’t been blogging much…or at all, really. i can rattle off excuse after excuse (and if you catch me on a bad day, i just might) but a big reason is because a lot of what i’m learning is too personal to share with the entire world*. external processor i may be, but i’m still a (semi) private person. something that i am learning about, though, is freedom.
i’ve been called a ‘ free spirit’ all my life and have been a person who isn’t exactly phased by boundaries. because of this, i tend to make bigger messes than most. when i fall, i don’t just trip and end up with a bruise; i crash and end up broken. i usually learn my lessons the hard way and i’ve grown accustomed to this because, well, i’ve honestly never experienced life any other way.
in the past, i usually struggled with guilt and shame but then i discovered that God loves me. immensely. and He loves me in spite of my crashes and burns of life. not only that, but He restores my brokenness and cleans up my messes, no matter how big they are. instead of wallowing in self loathing, He showed me how to walk in freedom. and now i live happily ever after, completely mess free…well, not quite.
i’m starting to see the other side of freedom. these past couple of months have been brutal. my junk has been surfacing and i’ve be in a constant state of “dealing with stuff”. part of me somehow enjoys the refining process, knowing that there’s Purpose in the purging. but there are still days when i’m begging the Lord to push pause or moments where i find myself repeating, “i know it’s Good. i know it’s Good…” through it all, He’s been showing me that He’s given me freedom. the freedom to choose Love over hate, Truth over lies, Life over death, Him over this world…but He’s also given me the freedom to choose the opposite. i have the freedom to choose hate over Love, to choose the lies over Truth, death over Life, the world over Him, and i’m beginning to feel the weight of this freedom. but here’s the kicker: by Him giving me freedom, He’s also telling me that He doesn’t want to control me.
God doesn’t want to control me.
2 corinthians 3:17 says that in the presence of the Lord there is freedom, not control. Not only that, but 2 timothy 1:7 tells us that we’ve been given a Spirit of power, love and self-control. self-control. ever wonder why one of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control? when i’m filled with the Holy Spirit, one of the direct results is that i will be able to control myself.
wait…hold on…what?!
yeah, i don’t get it either. what i do know is that i’ve been given this freedom and lately it’s been kinda heavy. on one hand, i get to choose Righteousness and the abundance that comes with it. on the other hand, i get to choose sin and the Grace that comes with that.** yet, it’s with this second, more familiar option that i find is usually the more painful of the two. dealing with the burdensome consequences of option two has left me not wanting the freedom. sometimes, i just don’t want to choose if it means that i’m going to make the wrong choice. i’d rather Him control me and make my choices for me because history proves that i’m a terrible chooser . besides, He’s got a much better grasp on everything than i do.( i’m sure adam and eve thought the same thing.)
but i forget that i serve a God who’s all about the process. He’d much rather have me take a step and fall, than never take a step at all. it’s a win-win: i either get to fall flat on my face and experience the Father’s healing embrace as He tends to my wounds and gently helps me up or i get to walk and experience the Father’s loving and empowering embrace as He proudly congratulates me.
either way, i get to experience the embrace of my Father. and that, dear reader, is a choice i will gladly make.
much Love.
*yes, dear reader, the entire world reads my blog. no big.
**sinners get Grace. if you don’t know what i’m talking about, just read a letter or two from sir paul (the apostle…not mccartney.)
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Posted in General Posts by Cristianna Smith on 9/28/2011
a Beautiful, Wise, and seasoned blog reader* gave me advice and suggested that i should shorten my blogs. and i completely agree**. the only problem is that i don't really know how. i've got too much floating around in this noggin' of mine to be concise and to the point. so, i've decided on a compromise. i'll give you a heads up when a really long blog is coming. and, i'll give you a shortened version by bolding*** the parts that sum up the blog so you can get the summary by reading just the bold parts. don't feel bad about skimming: i'm encouraging you. heck, i'm even enabling you.
so...heads up, dear reader.
i'm hopped up on caffeine and feeling inspired, sitting in a coffee shop with some guy singing and playing his guitar. his repertoire includes 'waltzing matilda' and 'my girl'. welcome to the perfect environment for blog writing.
storytime...
once upon a time, i was being a diligent little office worker and was breezing through my task list. on my list of people to call was a girl named betty something****. now betty something wanted to go on a trip and her inquiry was tasked to me. it was a routine call, which usually results in me leaving a message. however, when i dialed betty something, two things happened: 1. i noticed that the area code was from new mexico (my mother land) and 2. betty something actually answered. the conversation began like every routine call and was about to end like every routine call, but then i asked a question that was out of the norm. the conversation went a little something like this...
[act 1, scene 1]
[setting: me is sitting in a quaint, corner cubicle. she is longingly gazing out the window, twirling her mousy, brown, curly hair that is in desperate need of a trim, and biting on a cheap pen she bought in africa that only writes half of the time. she has both bare feet propped up on the desk in a completely unprofessional manner.]
me: hey, quick question before i let you go. i noticed that you have a new mexico area code. are you in new mexico?
betty something: no, i'm not, but i'm from new mexico.
me: where are you from?
betty something: albuquerque.
me: gnarly!***** i'm from las cruces.
betty something: oh, i went to college in las cruces! i played soccer for new mexico state.
(silence followed by a crashing noise created by me falling backwards in her chair and onto the floor)
me: BETTY?!
betty something: CRISTIANNA?!?!
[end scene]
yes, betty something and i played soccer together in the fall season of 2009! i didn't recognize her name because she found herself a sweet little husband and, thus, a new last name. we had a beautiful conversation and, using her personal info from our database, set another date to catch up with each other.
(no, this isn't betty something but it's the same team. confidentiality, remember?)
coincidence? i think not
Coincidence******? i most definitely think so.
the end.
(actually, it's just the beginning)
much Love.
*shout out: i truly appreciate your Wisdom, Wise blog reader...and your delectable dishes! i hope to cook just like you when i grow up...
**check out my long blogs about the past four months in africa: http://ohafricahowilovethee.wordpress.com/
***not a real word, i know.
****name has been changed to protect the innocent. actually, it's been changed because i don't know if i'm allowed to release this kind of information and i don't want to get in trouble with my boss.
*****okay, i really didn't say, 'gnarly'. just trying to spice it up.
******Divine Appointment
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Posted in General Posts by Cristianna Smith on 9/27/2011
i've been putting off blogging for long enough. there are things that need to be said, about where i'm at and where i'm headed. i need to get people on board and give them a vision for what's next. i need to update you, dear reader, on the happenings of my life. i need to explain myself. i need to raise support in order to continue working here at adventures in missions, towards an ultimate end goal of moving to africa in january.
but instead...
.
i'm on youtube trying to learn how to play guitar*.
it seems that i keep coming to this place of being torn about blogging. i hate how blogging is a place where i get to write all about me...yet it's enticing for an external processor. it's a fine line between narcissm and catharsis**. it makes me uncomfortable that i have to write blogs about raising support and asking for you to give financially. i would much rather sit down and have coffee with you, express my passions and my desires, sharing a piece of His heart that was given to me. but, unfortunately, that's not quite possible. unless you live in or will be visiting the state of georgia. or, unless you would like to have a skype date (we can drink coffee at the same time and call it a coffee date.) i would love to do either***!
truth is, God told me that something big was going to happen for when i came back after my four month stint in africa. truth is, God doesn't lie.
so here i am persuing what i feel the Lord was speaking about: remember that team that i jumped on board with for the last month in kenya****? well, the possibility of joining that team for a year beginning in january has presented itself! i'm now working with adventures in missions in gainesville, georgia, completing an apprenticeship with the intentions of joining the kenya initiative team in january 2012.
that's the story, as of now. i want you, dear reader, to be part of this journey. i want you to partner with me on this. but not just this. i want you to partner with me on everything. because if my future proves to be anything like my past, then kenya is just a part of the story. our story.
much Love.
*not sure which is more difficult: trying to formulate my million confetti thoughts into three neat paragraphs or trying to play d chord with two crooked, not fully healed fingers.
**big words, i know. i googled the definitions.
***phone dates work as well! i would just love to connect with you, dear reader.
****http://kenya.theworldrace.org/
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